HI HONEY, I’M HOME! | Samantha Porter
“Bastard, stupid Bastard! How dare he talk to me about time management! Me?”
Ryan was talking to himself again as he drove home from the office. He found himself doing
this more and more of late. It didn’t help that he was sure his boss was making things up as a reason to sack
him.
“Time management? Ha! If only!”
Even going to the john in that place was on a timer. Settle on the can with the newspaper for more than sixty seconds and the movement sensitive lighting would plunge you into darkness before you’d evenread the headlines. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d found himself flapping his arms and the paper around in the air, trying to make the lights come back on, before giving up and finishing his business quickly in the darkness.
He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. The stress of the day usually ebbed as he drew closer to home. He forced himself to stop thinking about his asshole of a boss and to think instead about what awaited him when he
reached home. It was Thursday which usually meant Michael and Rebecca would be at baseball practice and ballet
so his wife Joanne would make something special for dinner and open a bottle of wine, just the two of them…bliss. He loved Thursdays and if it wasn’t for having to go to work on Friday he would feel like the weekend had begun the moment he walked through the door. The thought of Joanne’s beautiful face and the kiss and hug she gave him every night as he walked through the door made Ryan feel warm and comforted and helped to wash away the dark thoughts he had about what he’d really like to do to his boss.
He pulled into Archibald Avenue as he did every night. There was Mr Rosendale sitting at his porch at number 1246, smoking his pipe with his faithful dog Skipper at his feet. Bob was taking his usual run around the block. Ryan thought it couldn’t be too long before Bob had a major cardiac arrest right there on the street, it just didn’t seem right that a 350 pound man should run anywhere, let alone the half a mile he did every night. And he never got any smaller. Maybe he ran to McDonalds, ate five Big Macs and then ran home again. There also, was Maggie at number 1266, bringing in her laundry before the evening coolness made the clothes damp again.
Ryan smiled to himself. He and Joanne spoke regularly about all of these familiar things in their Avenue and it was why he greeted her with the same clichéd “Hi Honey, I’m Home!” exclamation every night. It just reinforced how normal their life was, an All American existence and they loved it.
As he pulled into the drive, he stamped on the brakes and the tyres of his Toyota let out a short screech. Ryan looked out across the drive, confusion and panic etched on his face. There, before him, was an empty space. Ryan laughed loudly. He must have taken a wrong turn and pulled in to a parallel Avenue in the neighbourhood, after all, he was preoccupied with the lovely greeting that awaited him, but wait…that can’t be right, he saw Mr Rosendale, Bob and Maggie.
Ryan tore off his seat belt, got out of the car and marched up what should have been his driveway. He stood on what could only be described as a well-kept lawn where his house should have been. The view to the back was the same view he looked out at every morning from his bedroom, except his back yard didn’t exist anymore. Ryan began to sweat and he breathed faster. It was as if his house, and all that was in it, had never existed. There was no hint of there ever being a house here, nothing.
Walking quickly back to the car he took his cell phone from his jacket pocket and rang his wife’s cell.
“The number you have called, has not been recognised”.
He sat back in the car and tried to think what to do next. What about the kids? A rush of shame and embarrassment rushed over him as he realised he had no idea where his children’s baseball and ballet lessons took place. Joanne always took care of those things. In fact, she usually opened a bottle of wine on Thursdays and let him drink most of it while he whined and bitched about work, as she would have to drive to pick the kids up later.
“Mom and Dad, they’ll know what to do.”
He rang his parent’s house phone and while he waited to be connected, held his head in his hands and quietly whispered to himself “please ring, please ring.”
Ryan’s mother answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Mom, thank God you’re in. Mom, something weird has happened. Call the police and get them to come over to your place, I don’t care what you tell them, say you’ve been robbed or something, just get them there.”
“Son, calm down and tell me what’shappened.”
“Mom, just call the police and sit tight. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
As he drove back up the Avenue he saw all of the familiar people that he watched every day. He briefly thought he should stop and speak to one of them to find out what the hell had happened to his house, but he knew he couldn’t do that. Ryan knew them by name only because Joanne had made a point of being neighbourly ever since they moved in over ten years ago. They had no idea who he was; he’d never spoken to any of them. Besides, he was frightened of what they might say. Better to go to Mom and Dad’s they’d know what to do.
He tried to concentrate on driving rather than trying to fathom what was happening. Was he dreaming? Would he wake up in a moment next to his gorgeous wife and realise it was all a terrible nightmare? Christ, he hoped so because this was just too much for his logical brain to cope with. He imagined himself twenty years from now talking about alien abductions, while propping up a bar somewhere, drinking it dry of cheap whiskey.
He drove like a maniac, but it still seemed to take forever. As he approached he saw two police cars outside the house.
At least Mom had done as he’d asked. At least he wouldn’t have to wait another twenty minutes for them to arrive. The sooner he spoke to them and told them his house and family had disappeared into thin air, the sooner they could
find them. As he said those words in his head, he realised just how ridiculous he would sound.
At least his parents could back him up and confirm where he lived. Christ, they were over for dinner on
Sunday, even his Dad, who was getting a little senile in his old age, would remember that.
As he approached the house, his mother opened the door and stood, with her arms open, waiting for a hug. He could see she had been crying. Maybe she was worried about what he’d said on the phone, he’d offered no explanation, just cut her off and started driving. She gathered him up in her arms and rested her cheek on his chest, not wanting to let go.
“Come in Son, I’ve made coffee.”
He released her hold and held her at arm’s length so he could look into her eyes. “Mom, you’re going to think I’ve gone crazy, but I came home from work tonight and…”
“Ryan, do you remember Dr Williams?”
Ryan’s mother motioned him towards the living room where four cops, and an unfamiliar man in a suit stood before him. Ryan looked back at his mother without speaking.
“Ryan? You do remember Dr Williams don't you? He looks after you?”
Dr Williams smiled at Ryan and walked towards him. “Now then, let’s have some coffe Ryan and we can sit and have a
chat.”
One of the policemen went to the window and looked out. “Dr Williams, is that your Toyota?”
“Yes, but can we deal with that later please? Ryan, I’m going to need you to come back with me. I know you’re a little confused at the moment, but once we get you back to your room, I’m sure you’ll be fine. You haven’t had your medication today, do you mind if I…” Dr Williams opened his case and produced a syringe.
Ryan, confused and angry, pushed the doctor away and headed for the front door. The cops, obviously pre-warned by Dr Williams that this might happen, caught him before he’d even reached the door.
“Get your fucking hands off me, what the fuck is going on? My family, please, my family are missing.”
Ryan’s mother put her hands to her mouth and let out a cry. “Please don’t hurt him, he’s my son, he wouldn’t harm anyone, he’s just a little confused, that’s all. Please, you’re hurting him!”
Dr Williams administered the drugs while Ryan was held down by the officers. Ryan had no idea what was in that syringe, but he sure felt much better for it. But, despite a rush of euphoria and relief he still needed to deal with
what had happened “Please…my family, my home, they’re all gone, you’ve got to find them.”
The officers escorted a now sedate Ryan to one of the police cars and took him back to where he really lived.
Ryan’s mother sat in her chair and watched as her son was taken away again. “Maggie phoned me. She said she saw him driving down Archibald Avenue when she was bringing in her laundry. I thought she might be mistaken, but sure enough he called me just a few minutes later. There’s nothing there anymore. They grassed the place over after the fire. No point in building a new house, who would want to live there after…well…after what happened?”
“You must stay positive Mrs Cooper,” Dr Williams answered. “It’s early days yet and your son is
young. He’s been through so much, but in my experience and with my help, he’ll be back with us one day. You’ll be visiting on Sunday as usual, I presume?”
“Yes, of course, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
“I know we planned to give him the news about Mr Cooper this weekend, but given today’s excitement, I suggest we delay telling him about his father’s death for now. It could exacerbate the situation.”
“Yes, I think you’re right doctor.”
Ryan looked out of the window of the police car, staring at nothing in particular,thinking about work in the morning. Maybe he’d go on-line over the weekend and look for a new job, he fucking hated that asshole he worked for, maybe it was time for a change. Yes, he’d speak to Joanne about it when he got home.
“Bastard, stupid Bastard! How dare he talk to me about time management! Me?”
Ryan was talking to himself again as he drove home from the office. He found himself doing
this more and more of late. It didn’t help that he was sure his boss was making things up as a reason to sack
him.
“Time management? Ha! If only!”
Even going to the john in that place was on a timer. Settle on the can with the newspaper for more than sixty seconds and the movement sensitive lighting would plunge you into darkness before you’d evenread the headlines. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d found himself flapping his arms and the paper around in the air, trying to make the lights come back on, before giving up and finishing his business quickly in the darkness.
He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. The stress of the day usually ebbed as he drew closer to home. He forced himself to stop thinking about his asshole of a boss and to think instead about what awaited him when he
reached home. It was Thursday which usually meant Michael and Rebecca would be at baseball practice and ballet
so his wife Joanne would make something special for dinner and open a bottle of wine, just the two of them…bliss. He loved Thursdays and if it wasn’t for having to go to work on Friday he would feel like the weekend had begun the moment he walked through the door. The thought of Joanne’s beautiful face and the kiss and hug she gave him every night as he walked through the door made Ryan feel warm and comforted and helped to wash away the dark thoughts he had about what he’d really like to do to his boss.
He pulled into Archibald Avenue as he did every night. There was Mr Rosendale sitting at his porch at number 1246, smoking his pipe with his faithful dog Skipper at his feet. Bob was taking his usual run around the block. Ryan thought it couldn’t be too long before Bob had a major cardiac arrest right there on the street, it just didn’t seem right that a 350 pound man should run anywhere, let alone the half a mile he did every night. And he never got any smaller. Maybe he ran to McDonalds, ate five Big Macs and then ran home again. There also, was Maggie at number 1266, bringing in her laundry before the evening coolness made the clothes damp again.
Ryan smiled to himself. He and Joanne spoke regularly about all of these familiar things in their Avenue and it was why he greeted her with the same clichéd “Hi Honey, I’m Home!” exclamation every night. It just reinforced how normal their life was, an All American existence and they loved it.
As he pulled into the drive, he stamped on the brakes and the tyres of his Toyota let out a short screech. Ryan looked out across the drive, confusion and panic etched on his face. There, before him, was an empty space. Ryan laughed loudly. He must have taken a wrong turn and pulled in to a parallel Avenue in the neighbourhood, after all, he was preoccupied with the lovely greeting that awaited him, but wait…that can’t be right, he saw Mr Rosendale, Bob and Maggie.
Ryan tore off his seat belt, got out of the car and marched up what should have been his driveway. He stood on what could only be described as a well-kept lawn where his house should have been. The view to the back was the same view he looked out at every morning from his bedroom, except his back yard didn’t exist anymore. Ryan began to sweat and he breathed faster. It was as if his house, and all that was in it, had never existed. There was no hint of there ever being a house here, nothing.
Walking quickly back to the car he took his cell phone from his jacket pocket and rang his wife’s cell.
“The number you have called, has not been recognised”.
He sat back in the car and tried to think what to do next. What about the kids? A rush of shame and embarrassment rushed over him as he realised he had no idea where his children’s baseball and ballet lessons took place. Joanne always took care of those things. In fact, she usually opened a bottle of wine on Thursdays and let him drink most of it while he whined and bitched about work, as she would have to drive to pick the kids up later.
“Mom and Dad, they’ll know what to do.”
He rang his parent’s house phone and while he waited to be connected, held his head in his hands and quietly whispered to himself “please ring, please ring.”
Ryan’s mother answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Mom, thank God you’re in. Mom, something weird has happened. Call the police and get them to come over to your place, I don’t care what you tell them, say you’ve been robbed or something, just get them there.”
“Son, calm down and tell me what’shappened.”
“Mom, just call the police and sit tight. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
As he drove back up the Avenue he saw all of the familiar people that he watched every day. He briefly thought he should stop and speak to one of them to find out what the hell had happened to his house, but he knew he couldn’t do that. Ryan knew them by name only because Joanne had made a point of being neighbourly ever since they moved in over ten years ago. They had no idea who he was; he’d never spoken to any of them. Besides, he was frightened of what they might say. Better to go to Mom and Dad’s they’d know what to do.
He tried to concentrate on driving rather than trying to fathom what was happening. Was he dreaming? Would he wake up in a moment next to his gorgeous wife and realise it was all a terrible nightmare? Christ, he hoped so because this was just too much for his logical brain to cope with. He imagined himself twenty years from now talking about alien abductions, while propping up a bar somewhere, drinking it dry of cheap whiskey.
He drove like a maniac, but it still seemed to take forever. As he approached he saw two police cars outside the house.
At least Mom had done as he’d asked. At least he wouldn’t have to wait another twenty minutes for them to arrive. The sooner he spoke to them and told them his house and family had disappeared into thin air, the sooner they could
find them. As he said those words in his head, he realised just how ridiculous he would sound.
At least his parents could back him up and confirm where he lived. Christ, they were over for dinner on
Sunday, even his Dad, who was getting a little senile in his old age, would remember that.
As he approached the house, his mother opened the door and stood, with her arms open, waiting for a hug. He could see she had been crying. Maybe she was worried about what he’d said on the phone, he’d offered no explanation, just cut her off and started driving. She gathered him up in her arms and rested her cheek on his chest, not wanting to let go.
“Come in Son, I’ve made coffee.”
He released her hold and held her at arm’s length so he could look into her eyes. “Mom, you’re going to think I’ve gone crazy, but I came home from work tonight and…”
“Ryan, do you remember Dr Williams?”
Ryan’s mother motioned him towards the living room where four cops, and an unfamiliar man in a suit stood before him. Ryan looked back at his mother without speaking.
“Ryan? You do remember Dr Williams don't you? He looks after you?”
Dr Williams smiled at Ryan and walked towards him. “Now then, let’s have some coffe Ryan and we can sit and have a
chat.”
One of the policemen went to the window and looked out. “Dr Williams, is that your Toyota?”
“Yes, but can we deal with that later please? Ryan, I’m going to need you to come back with me. I know you’re a little confused at the moment, but once we get you back to your room, I’m sure you’ll be fine. You haven’t had your medication today, do you mind if I…” Dr Williams opened his case and produced a syringe.
Ryan, confused and angry, pushed the doctor away and headed for the front door. The cops, obviously pre-warned by Dr Williams that this might happen, caught him before he’d even reached the door.
“Get your fucking hands off me, what the fuck is going on? My family, please, my family are missing.”
Ryan’s mother put her hands to her mouth and let out a cry. “Please don’t hurt him, he’s my son, he wouldn’t harm anyone, he’s just a little confused, that’s all. Please, you’re hurting him!”
Dr Williams administered the drugs while Ryan was held down by the officers. Ryan had no idea what was in that syringe, but he sure felt much better for it. But, despite a rush of euphoria and relief he still needed to deal with
what had happened “Please…my family, my home, they’re all gone, you’ve got to find them.”
The officers escorted a now sedate Ryan to one of the police cars and took him back to where he really lived.
Ryan’s mother sat in her chair and watched as her son was taken away again. “Maggie phoned me. She said she saw him driving down Archibald Avenue when she was bringing in her laundry. I thought she might be mistaken, but sure enough he called me just a few minutes later. There’s nothing there anymore. They grassed the place over after the fire. No point in building a new house, who would want to live there after…well…after what happened?”
“You must stay positive Mrs Cooper,” Dr Williams answered. “It’s early days yet and your son is
young. He’s been through so much, but in my experience and with my help, he’ll be back with us one day. You’ll be visiting on Sunday as usual, I presume?”
“Yes, of course, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”
“I know we planned to give him the news about Mr Cooper this weekend, but given today’s excitement, I suggest we delay telling him about his father’s death for now. It could exacerbate the situation.”
“Yes, I think you’re right doctor.”
Ryan looked out of the window of the police car, staring at nothing in particular,thinking about work in the morning. Maybe he’d go on-line over the weekend and look for a new job, he fucking hated that asshole he worked for, maybe it was time for a change. Yes, he’d speak to Joanne about it when he got home.